Pain, pain, go away…come again some other…oh wait no, don’t come again…

I absolutely love baseball.

More than just loving baseball, I love helping my son to also love baseball. Watching him grow into a pretty decent player is extremely rewarding. I remember how upset he was when he didn’t make the basketball team at school, and how I tried to remind him that because of complications from his asthma, he had never played basketball further than gym class allowed him. I question whether or not we made the right choice to keep him from organized athletics, because he has always desired to play sports, but we held him back, especially when he was first diagnosed. Now, he kind of has to play catch up, but in terms of basketball and baseball, I think Jayden is exactly like me.

I loved watching basketball (now I only watch the playoffs. I get annoyed by the innumerable foul calls and the theatrics that take place when players are breathed upon hard enough to cause them to fall to the floor in a huge, six-foot-tall heap. I loved playing. However, basketball was just something I did for fun. I wasn’t a standout. I rarely got the ball because the point guard I usually ended up with in the game was a major ball hog, but when I did get the ball I could score a basket. My strong point in basketball was defense. Although I was usually one of the shorter people on the court, I have always been physically strong. I could guard people taller than me and get rebounds.

Softball is where I shone. Softball was more than just a game to me–it was a necessity. Even now I watch college softball and Olympic softball and get excited. I pay close attention to the pitchers, because that is what I was. A week ago, I managed to feign feeling good long enough to go to the batting cages to help Jayden with his batting. While there, I cracked a few good ones myself. Still got it…

After beating himself up for striking out during the first two games, Jayden’s practice finally paid off. In his last game, he went 3-3, with each of his hits being doubles, and got several RBIs. He also scored three times, helping his team reach their first victory. After the game he was awarded the game ball as his teammates chanted his name over and over and picked him to do the countdown leading up to them screaming their team name jubilantly before they ran off the field. He looked so happy. And I was so proud of him.

My dreams of participating in an adult softball league may not be actualized. My physical pain has kicked it up a notch, and I don’t know why. My feet feel like I am walking on broken glass. Every single muscle and joint in my body aches. My jaw even hurts when I speak or chew sometimes. My hands feel like they just want to draw up into fists. The tops and sides of my feet are tender to the touch and ache like crazy. And the back pain? I can’t even get comfortable enough to sleep. I looked up the term to describe that, and of course there is one–painsomnia.


Apparently there are tons of conditions that are related to this painsomnia phenomenon. All I know is, I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. I can’t think of many things more frustrated than being exhausted but unable to sleep. I’ve been a special kind of  crabapple in the morning in particular because of it. I have been considering giving up coffee but there is just no way I can conceivably do that. A quick cup of coffee is just about the only thing that evens me out in the morning. It’s not like I can get up and ease into my day. No, I usually wake up because one of my kids (or two, or all) have woke up and need something.  Since both my son and daughter are now playing baseball (more on her tomorrow because she has a game then), we are at the field almost every day for games and practices; church and choir rehearsals also take up a significant chunk of time; and of course I like to try to keep them academically involved and have a morning routine of Bible study and lessons. It would be impossible to get through my days without coffee. Well, possible, but somebody would come out of the day with some scratches, cuts, bruised egos and hurt feelings.

It even pains me to practice with my kids, but I am happy to do it anyway. Having to sit in a tub of boiling water just to get my muscles to relax and then hopping straight into a cold shower because now those heated muscles are twitching and I’m about to overheat and falling asleep with my feet hanging over the bed into my massaging foot bath with a heating pad under my back is worth moments like these.

Even though I might be frustrated and looking for answers, for my own sanity I can no longer dwell on certain things. Apparently whatever this is, it’s here to stay. Okay, some days are going to suck. There is no way around that. In order to not appear flaky because I am constantly canceling or rescheduling plans, I have been a lot more honest with people about how I am feeling. I do not like feeling weak, but the people who really love me know that I am not. I am sick. They know my pride would not allow me to feign an illness that would render me helpless in any sort of way.

In my convos with God, I just continue to pray for answers. I suppose I should pray for healing, but I really haven’t… Not that I wouldn’t mind being completely restored to my old self, but I just trust God–that if this is something He has deemed me to have, it is for a reason and just like all of the other trials and tribulations I have endured in this life, it is to teach me something or reach someone else, or both. So, although I don’t always “grin and bear it”–I am beyond hiding my pain so as to not make other people feel uncomfortable–if I am hurting, you’re probably going to see winces and cringes every now and then–I am in a better place than I was several weeks ago. My depression has lifted somewhat because I stopped focusing on things that were out of my control. I attempted to speak with my student loan servicers and got nowhere and pretty much had to just say forget it. I’ll send them what I can. I’m thisclose to getting a work from home job and getting my driver’s license back.

“Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.” One of my favorites from James 1:2-4… I  have used it in this blog multiple times because it is just so applicable to this very difficult Christian walk. If things were always easy, would we learn to lean on Jesus? No. How will we build our faith to maximum strength? By testing it. Or should I say, by having it tested. My mood might fluctuate, and sometimes I might wonder what God is doing and why, but there is no doubt in my mind that He is still in control.


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