A bit of vanity isn’t bad, is it?

In my case, it’s a huge motivator.

I have finally resigned myself to the fact that I may need to seek the help of medical professionals to help me lose weight. Apparently I’m not doing the right things. Considering my daily diet and the fact that I walk off all of the calories I take in per my Fitbit, I can think of no other reason why I am losing absolutely NO weight. It’s weird because there are some areas of my body that seem to be getting slimmer, namely my hips and thighs, but that pesky, ugly, flabby disgusting abdominal fat from where my three babies made their temporary home refuses to go away. Not only that, but as I lose inches in my hip area, the stupid flab hangs even further. Sorry for that terrible visual. Hopefully your eyes aren’t bleeding.

I am completely disheartened by my appearance. Even on days when I take extra time to fix myself up, there is always something that doesn’t work out. My hair–I mentally plan a hairstyle; my hair refuses to hold it. Clothing–on Mother’s Day I had the opportunity (thanks to my Mom and sister) to buy a few outfits from Dress Barn. I almost cried in the fitting room when I kept having to go up jean sizes to accommodate that loose abdominal MESS. I don’t always like wearing my glasses–sometimes I want to show my face, but with my eye problems the glasses help me see better.

I know my number one concern should be my health. As someone who initially went to school to be a health care professional, I know very well how the heart works and how excess weight effects my health. But right about now, when the summer is almost here and I want to wear cute maxi dresses and feel good about myself, and maybe have a romantic night out with my husband, who will feel proud as he shows off his beautiful wife. I don’t feel that’s remotely possible right now.

It’s a standard I hold myself to. I don’t look to Hollyweird for beauty. But I know that I used to be athletic, and how I used to push myself in terms of my performance. I know to a certain extent I won’t be able to do the things I used to twenty years ago. But I refuse to sit back idly and continue to put on weight. It IS a matter of vanity, to an extent.

Honestly, it is not hard for me to keep my vanity in check. I know I serve a God that is capable of producing unimaginable beauty. I know there are always going to be women out there who are prettier than me.  It doesn’t bother me at all.  I’ve had people ask me how it feels to be married to someone as attractive as my husband, knowing that undoubtedly other women flirt with him. I don’t lose any sleep over that. He stood before God and made the same vows I did. If he goes so far as to cheat, he’ll have broken a vow to God and God can deal with him. I also know that God gave me the features He wanted me to have, and I appreciate having some of my Dad and some of my Mom. Wouldn’t change it for the world.

God is not a God of superficiality. He is more concerned about what is beneath the surface. I’ve known some beautiful people who were snobby, rude, nasty and selfish. As soon as I found out the type of person they were, my opinion changed, and they even looked a bit less attractive. I’ve always been a person who has been more attracted to good character than looks.I think of Lucifer, who was at one point the most beautiful angel of all the heavenly host, and where his pride got him. Satan is the biggest example of what happens when vanity, which leads to pride, goes unchecked. He started smelling himself, as we say.

Recently, I’ve invested more in making sure other people have access to my beautiful interior and neglected the exterior. I do for people all day every day without really taking care of myself. I’m going to try to stop that. The first thing I want to do, depending on finances, is start going back to Planet Fitness. Cardio is not enough–I need to work with some weights. I need help from a trainer. I might need help from a dietician. Either way it goes, I need help. I am not happy looking like I’m still pregnant. My baby is almost a year old, for crying out loud!!!

My other goal is to narrow down my book publisher (switching gears here). I am SUPER excited about my manuscript. I’ve decided to change the title, and there are some details I’ve been changing as I go along in order to add to the story’s continuity. I’ve been having difficulty finding time to write… I try to get a chapter in when I have a rare moment of clarity, only to be interrupted by one of my kids, much to my frustration. The only time I am partially guaranteed to get uninterrupted writing time is when I should be trying to get some of the little bit of sleep I get. But I’ve always had to sacrifice to reach my goals in the past, so I guess not much has changed, eh?

Speaking of which, all three are tucked in bed now. No time better than the present to work on my masterpiece…

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