I will always believe in God.
I will always trust God.
But I am human, and sometimes my faith wavers. Sometimes I have questions. Particularly, like most people do, when things don’t go my way.
I have had plenty of instances in my past where I wanted something very badly and did not get it. Add this to that list.
I had two tests done the day after my birthday–an MRI on my brain and cervical spine and an EEG. Much to my surprise and dismay, they both came back normal. Now, most people would be confused as to why I wasn’t immediately celebratory following this revelation. That is because there is a lot riding on getting some type of diagnosis. I feel like my life is in limbo right now until it becomes known exactly what I am dealing with. Should I go back to work? If so, in what capacity? My vision is poorer. My sensory abilities are diminishing. My motor skills are suspect. I’m likely to get wobbly and lose my balance with little to no notice. How will I go to work regularly if I have no idea how I will feel any given day? What if I get another jerk manager who is unsympathetic to my health needs despite my superior job performance? What if I get a job that is stressful like my last one and exacerbates my condition? But if I do not work, how will I pay for those STUPID student loans? Because those jerks aren’t letting up on their collection efforts. Not one bit. And I do not appreciate the mere thought of Matt having to pay them AND take care of a family of five. Maybe I wanted one more baby; should I forget about that? After all, I don’t want to have any more kids if I am not going to have the energy to actively raise them. It’s not fair to them at all. And more kids automatically means more housework and I am having enough difficulty with that as it is. The family I have now is already not getting the best of me. Adding another little person, as much as I occasionally would like, just does not seem wise.
So that is where I am right now. I have all of these questions that will affect how I go about the rest of my life in major ways. I am now waiting to see if I will be able to provide some financial support to my family or even increase my family with another baby. So although my faith in God is still there, I am wondering what is the point of keeping me in suspense like this. Here I am waiting, and in the meantime my debt load is increasing, collections and judgments against me are being incurred left and right, and I don’t feel like getting out of bed most days, let alone play an active fun role in my childrens’ lives.
I am not above getting depressed. Never have been, and won’t knock the people that do. Life is piling on me in the worst way right now, and I am feeling like I have no control over anything, and I don’t like it. This is not the life I imagined for myself and I am SUPER not pleased. I’m impatiently waiting on God to help me.