I need prayer.

You know how you go in for a job interview and the interviewer asks you to describe one of your character weaknesses?

The answer for me is simple. I often have too much pride to ask for help when I need it, and am my own worst critic.

I’m overwhelmed right now, and I know that the prayers of the righteous availeth much (paraphrasing James 5:16), and therefore, I am humbly seeking prayer from those who are willing.

I absolutely hate having to admit when things are falling apart, but they are. In a nutshell:

1. I am being preyed upon by a predatory student loan servicer by the name of Navient, who each day makes me regret even attempting to get an education. With each passing day my dreams of a career are dashed from bits to smithereens as I am again struggling with this mystery illness that has again reared its ugly undiagnosed head. In addition to the headaches, pain, numbness and tinging, fatigue and muscle twitches in my legs to which I had grown accustomed, I am now plagued with twitching eye muscles and sharp chest pain. ONCE AGAIN I’ll be heading to the doctor and prayerfully will find a physician who is receptive and helpful and does not attempt to write me off as depressed. In the meantime, I had attempted to explain my situation to Navient–that I had stopped working and my family only had one income, and since I had already been paying far more than I could comfortably afford while I was working, could they please work with me and postpone or lower payments until I figured out my capabilities. Further, I asked if we could communicate in written form, as I found myself being more than a little confused when I spoke to their very unhelpful representatives on the phone. I very openly informed them, despite my embarrassment, that whatever is going on with my head is making it difficult for me to process a lot of new information quickly at one time, and talking to people on the phone is a nightmare, so it would be better for me to have something I can read and possibly show to my husband. Do you think they helped me at all? Nope. Instead, they claimed I defaulted on several of my loans–ironically, the ones on which my mom was a co-signer–which confused me, as I assumed my payments were being applied to all of my loans. And now they’re trying to sue. They attempted to take our tax return, but was forced to return it when they discovered that -gasp- my husband had made that money, not me. They were not entitled to it.

Interestingly enough, my federal loans are being handled just fine. However, I am encouraging everyone I know to avoid student loans if possible. Work through school, even if it takes you eight years instead of four. Find scholarships and grants. Because at this point I will never be able to own anything. Even when I was paying on my loans, the balance never went down. It is one of the biggest rackets in America and I don’t understand who decided it was acceptable to skyrocket the cost of tuition while simultaneously making a college education almost unavoidable in the pursuit of a decent career and comfortable life.

2. As I alluded to in #1, Mystery Illness has returned. I don’t know what else to say about it because I don’t even understand what it is. All I know is that it is throwing a serious monkey wrench in my life.

3. This is not necessarily a problem, but it is more of a challenge. Anyone who is a mother knows that our needs and desires often come last in the family.  This is something hopefully all mothers expect, that when we have kids, they take priority. As I said earlier, that is no problem, because I value my time with my children and look forward to see how far my guidance takes them in their lives. However, finding time to read and study my Bible and to make the best of the limited time I have in an atmosphere with the Internet where I can research and post to this blog has been an exercise in futility as of late, and I am frustrated. If I do not read my Bible and some other book regularly; if I am not learning something (I have been wanting to enroll in at least one free course on Coursera or EDX to keep my mind fresh); if I don’t get a consistent fifteen or twenty minutes just to write, there is a noticeable difference in my mood. I want to be my best me for my family, and in order for that to happen I need to find ways to build creative time into my schedule.

Admittedly, a lot of my time reading my Bible these days is not necessarily for leisure. I have to keep up with my Sunday school lessons so I can rightfully divide the Word of truth to my young students, and I am again taking classes through Moody Bible Institute. I have committed myself to keeping my school-aged son engaged in the Word throughout the week by praying with him before school each morning and tucking Bible verses written on his napkin into his lunchbox. But what I would like is the opportunity to flip through the Bible and just immerse myself in…whatever I fancy at that moment. Pray for me.



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