Trying to find my way back…

To being me again.

I have not been on this blog in a long time. It has not been because I haven’t been praying or studying my Word. It is more because I have not been living my life as I should.

I hate to admit when I am at a weak point, but there is no denying that is where I am. Such that I am struggling to enjoy my life. My mind, especially as the holiday approaches, has become consumed with grief for my deceased Dad. All of these firsts–the first Thanksgiving, my first birthday without him telling me Happy Birthday, and now this first Christmas–without my Dad are even more difficult than I ever could have imagined.

I have been trying to remind myself that just as my Dad did, I should be enjoying all of the days God has allowed me, living them to the fullest, and miserably, I have not been. I have been going through the motions, basically just doing what is expected of me because I have to (I mean, I have to fix lunches, iron clothes, etc.). But the joy I had in doing those things before is not present, and I am actively trying to figure out how to get it back.

I am trying to keep in mind that as a Christian this is an especially joyous time of year, because although we do not know definitively that Christ was born on December 25th, we do know that He WAS born, that He died and rose again and secured our salvation, and that this December 25th is when we celebrate His undisputed birth. I am trying not to pass my attitude on to my kids, so I put on a smile when I can as they share their excitement for Christmas parties, gifts, church, putting up the tree, etc.

But my heart is not into it.

I know full well I am not myself. What I don’t know is how to get her back. But I’m trying. I am praying, and I am trying.


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