You’re not going to win this one, dude.
I might have times when I am down, but there is never a time when my faith can be messed with. At all.
It’s almost funny, but it angers me as well. As I have said on numerous occasions, I am trying to re-train my brain to help me deal with the grief over my Dad not being here physically. Sometimes when I am in a good mood, thinking of a good time we have spent together, all of a sudden that terrible image of him lying dead in the bed at Glacier Hills will pop into my mind for absolutely no reason at all.
God wouldn’t do that to me. That ain’t nothin’ but the Devil.
Yes, I may have questions… but my questions are FOR God, because it is in HIM where my faith resides… It is in HIM I can do all things… Only HE can answer all of my questions, address my concerns, bring me comfort, healing, wisdom, guidance, love, and salvation.
I will NOT allow the consuming memory of my Dad to be that of him lying in that bed dead, OR of him lying in the casket at his wake or funeral. I had THIRTY-THREE years with him, and he had a total of FIFTY-EIGHT years here–short by man’s standards yes, but enough time, obviously, to make a huge impact on a ton of people–this was shown by the fact that his funeral was STANDING ROOM ONLY. I am sad and I will never be the same again, but I am going to remember my Dad ALIVE, not dead!
Christians MUST stay prayed up. Do people think that the Devil leaves people alone once they get saved?? Absolutely not! We are open to his attacks every single day. He is a wily character, and he will prey on us when we are vulnerable, and he kicks us when we are down (like he is doing to me right now). He thinks that he can catch us slipping when we are in these bad times, but if we are strong in the Lord we can identify one of his attacks and LOL at his futile attempt.
There is nothing that can be done that will make me ever doubt my Lord. Nothing.
Here is the thank-you card we sent out:
I will be seeing a new specialist in October, and I am pretty excited. I have confidence that this one will work out for me. At the very least, I am looking forward to someone who will at least LISTEN to all of my concerns and minimally run some tests. I do not have time for whatever this illness is. It is taking me away from my family and I won’t allow that. I have been wobbly and fatigued. The muscles all over my body, even my eyes, jump and twitch for no reason. Several family members have seen this. Sometimes there is a throbbing in my ears that I can hear and feel. I’m often off-balance, and sometimes feel like I am in a dream–that kind of weird, detached, not-all-the-way there feeling. I am exhausted even after sleeping six, eight or even ten hours. Occasionally I’ll have a weird feeling in my chest, headache (particularly on the left side of my head) or my arms or hands will feel numb (more left side than right).
It is annoying because I have a LIFE that I need to be living, so…that is what I am going to do.
I find it interesting that these problems seem to have kicked it up a notch now that I have fully resolved, and am following through on my resolution, to take better care of myself despite my grief. I have two kids and a husband and although I do not know how long God will let me be here, I plan to be just like my Dad and be my best ME while I have the breath to do so. I am finding it easier to get through a Jazzercise workout without feeling like I am going to die :-), and have noticed small changes already in my body–my jeans are already a little looser in the hip and thigh area, for instance. That was a major confidence-booster. I have researched publishers and agents and have decided to really buckle down on finishing my novel because I feel like it is something that needs to be put out there. I haven’t found many novels that touched on the topic of my novel, and I know God gave me the talent to write AND put that story in my head.
Now the devil is trying to get the best of me. I understand that some things are tests from God, and I believe the illness might be a test from God more than a temptation from the devil. Perhaps God wants to see how I will do with this–will I get angry and despondent, or will I press on for the Lord? I will press on for the Lord. Even if that means that some days I cannot get out of bed, that is okay. That is what laptops are for. I can still study my Sunday school lesson, find fun things for my kids and stuff to do, write on this blog, etc. Educating myself in the Lord and spreading the Gospel does not need to stop because I am confined to a bed. As long as my fingers are not numb, I can type.
But when I go to study the Word or work on my manuscript I get distracted or have a hard time getting my thoughts together. I find that my mind can be perfectly clear when I am watching a movie but as soon as I try to write a chapter my mind decides to wander all over the place. My words get confused, and I cannot think. I’ll try to write through it, but I am always dissatisfied with what I wrote and end up throwing it away.
I do have occasional moments of clarity and brilliance and it is what it is. Of course I would like to get my novel written quickly and work on making it public but I am more interested in having it done WELL than having it done FAST. So far I can honestly say I am pleased with the first few chapters and I am truly excited about the direction it is taking. So I am going to roll with it. If there are mental speed bumps along the way, oh well. I will write when I can, and if I can’t, I won’t. I’m not going to rush through and put out something mediocre that does not put across the message that the book is intended to carry. Basically, I intend on what I write to be universal, although it is Christian-themed. It discusses problems in a Christian context, but they are problems EVERYONE has, Christian or not. This particular manuscript deals with domestic violence.
I may be down but I will never be out. I guess that is the point of this mid-day rant. I have been meaning to get to Deuteronomy, and then I get confused. But as I just said… I am not going to put up anything that is NOT my best PARTICULARLY when it is something for GOD. I intend to stick to a schedule, but sometimes my intentions are derailed. All I can do is what I can do. I have prayed to God to remove this from me, but I know that he might not, and if he doesn’t, that’s fine, because I know he will then help me through it. If this is something that can be diagnosed, then I will be able to help people in the future who are also struggling with something they don’t understand. I am truly at my BEST when I am HELPING someone ELSE, so just like my Dad…at the expense of myself, that is what I want to do–at home for my family, in church (and outside the church) for my Christian brethren, in whatever volunteer work I do, and at my job.