It is going to be a process for me to come to grips with my Dad’s passing. I am fully assured of where he is… pain-free in the arms of the Father. And I am okay with that. What is going to take time is getting used to him not being here.
Over the past few days I have cried… a lot. Some may think I am the weaker between my sister and I, but I don’t think that is the case. I have just been more openly expressive of my grief, but that does not mean I am not strong. I just know what happens when I hold my feelings in–they come out in a way that is not necessarily appropriate, or they stay inside and consume me from within. I will not allow that to happen.
I am not embarrassed when the tears begin to fall, and I don’t try to keep them from falling. I am sad. Getting all of these arrangements together has been pretty overwhelming. I look at pictures of him and laugh and cry. It is a process. At times I have been angry, admittedly. Not necessarily with God, but with how things happened. We all thought Dad was getting better, and to have that glimmer of hope and then lose him is painful.
But in the grand scheme of things I have been praying to God for acceptance, strength, comfort and understanding, and day by day, I get a bit more of all of those things. God speaks to me, and sometimes he speaks through others. From my conversations with other people I now believe that my Dad knew his time was short, and that he was sick for awhile and did not tell us. I think back now to how he did not want us to come to his doctor’s appointments, nor did he want us to stay overnight with him in the hospital. Maybe he used that time to pray, to talk to God, and had gotten to where he accepted what was to come.
Since Dad boldly and confidently accepted what God had planned for him, it is imperative that I get to a point where I accept it as well. As always, my hope, my faith, my strength, my comfort lies with Jesus Christ, and I can only rejoice in the fact that in his lifetime Stevie Smith accepted Jesus as his Lord and Savior and taught me to do so as well, so that when my race is over, when I have run my course, I will see him again.
In the meantime, I am still soliciting the prayers of all who are willing, because although I am confident that my Dad is happy and strong, I am mourning the loss of one of the most important people in my life.