Be careful what you ask for…

Because you just might get it.

I am at a crossroads. I have been asking for a job for years–namely because it is difficult these days for a family to exist on one income (unless it is a very high income) and because my husband and I have a home ownership goal.

I am dissatisfied.

I feel guilty each day I turn my kids over to my parents, and especially on the rare occasions that I get to drop my son off at school. Last year, I rarely missed a single of his morning assemblies. I did not miss his first day of school, and when he was a baby, I was there taking care of him everyday.

I think back to my attitude then and sometimes even now, how I was, and still am, unable to see my blessings and try to grasp what it is God has in store for me. Perhaps God did not intend for me to work at all–maybe he wanted me to be content in my surroundings, with the understanding and appreciation for what I am really supposed to do–take care of my kids and my home.

I was able to work with Jayden in terms of his education when I was not working. I would prepare slide shows for him, find educational videos, and prepare daily lesson plans. I did not do that this summer.

I also am not getting as much time with Layla as I would like, and it bothers me every single day.

Not only that, but the job is extremely stressful. I feel highly overworked everyday and terribly underpaid. There have been issues with my last two paychecks and they are basically gone before I even get the thought in my mind to possibly spend twenty bucks or so on a pair of jeans or something (I have almost none that fit, and zero pairs that are fashionable).

My spiritual life has also took a huge beating. I have not been writing, and I have no Internet, so I have fallen off terribly on my blog, which I loved maintaining, and do not know how I can get into a decent groove to keep it going. I am exhausted all the time, do not feel like there are enough hours in the day, and suffer from overwhelming guilt and frustration all throughout the day.

I must say, I am not even sure what to pray for at this point. I do not even know what I want. Do I want a rewarding career with decent pay, or would I be content to just stay home with my kids? Where is the balance, if any?


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